The benefits of brilliant women

Or how friendship and mentoring can get you back on the right course

When was the last time you said yes to something and did it?

I don’t mean a small thing, like going for a drink with mates. I mean a BIG THING.

Something that really scared the crap out of you.

I recently went on a podcast, and met a woman (in fact a couple of women but that’s another story) who left me feeling…refreshed…like there were good things in the pipeline shall we say. There was something about this one woman’s singular energy that told me it would be good if I spent more time with her. I don’t mean good as in a sneaky social media way either i.e. boosting my profile. More than that. Good as in- maybe helping me change my life and shift some old baggage.

It’s no secret that I over-index on people pleasing. I honestly feel like if women could cut out this useless trait we’d all be a lot better off. If we could stop gritting our teeth, set boundaries, and not worry so much about being labelled as difficult.

Jane didn’t appear to give a flying shit about what others’ thought. She was graceful, articulate whilst also being funny. She offered up an alternative view of the future which wasn’t about being trodden on and silenced. One of the good things that has happened as I’ve grown older is that when I like someone I make it obvious. I have this feeling that there isn’t that much time left so I shouldn’t hide the way I feel.

Anyway I sent Jane (who is also a famous author) a message and asked if she would be my mentor. I’d had a mentor before we’d only had one meeting and I’d quickly realised that we weren’t on the same page. She was very BUSINESS focused - an ALPHA WOMAN and there was no connection there at all. I’d argue that when you hit 50, you definitely need a mentor. Young people get them because the idea is that they help them grow and learn. Does this mean that when we’re older we stop learning?

Getting a mentor suggests having faith in a different future.

Anyway Jane agreed (which was amazing), and last weekend I went to stay with her in Marakkech. I know that sounds wanky, but let me frame this by saying that I NEVER GO ANYWHERE. And I am no longer worried about people thinking I’m a wanker either.

The week leading up to the trip my anxiety went into overdrive. I felt busy at work. The kids were taking it in turns to get sick. They argued so much that the only way I could stop them was to put them on screens. I worried about being a bad parent but i also needed peace and quiet. I kept waking up in the middle of the night and thinking - WHAT AM I DOING? This isn’t the right time. I obsessively checked the flight details on the app, worried about whether my bag was too big for the plane, worried about how I’d get to Jane’s place, worried that the kids would be on screens for three days and their eyes would fall out of their heads. It was exhausting. It was a message- my body and mind were telling me to stay at home. I had to fight this instinct very hard.

Then I arrived (I won’t bore you with the travel ins and outs but imagine your Nan dropped into an international airport and asking questions, dropping stuff on the floor, disorientated and overwhelmed and you’ll have a good idea).

It felt like I’d known Jane from a previous life. The conversation flowed. Sometimes my anxiety crept in and said - Does she think I’m okay? What if she doesn’t like me? But most of the time I felt my brain expand with possibilities. We ate amazing food. We explored. Everything was loud, crazy and a lot. She offered up a perspective that is missing right now. I started to think about a future that didn’t mean just more of the same. Something unlocked.

I am an advocate of putting yourself out there. Of being uncomfortable. I hope this connection and friendship will continue. I hope that this is just the start.

‘I know it feels hard. You need help. You need to make some changes. It feels impossible. But it isn’t.’

This insight is enough to see the road ahead heading in a different direction with different outcomes. It’s a door opening and a voice saying - You’re doing great. Come in. The water is warm. There’s nothing to fear.