Navigating rage or a 'midlife burn book' is a helpful tool

And other things that help with female rage

Rage is a natural emotion. It’s one we first become familiar with as children. When something unfair happens we react with anger. Often we are told that this anger is not acceptable. When I was at primary school I bit a girl because she took my Lego clean out of my hand. I was made to stand in the corner of the classroom with my hands on my head for the day. I had to stand with my back to the class and each time I turned around, the teacher came and rapped me on the top of the head with a ruler. I was 5 years old.

This was a long time ago (not quite Victorian times, about forty years ago) when Miss Trunchbull was a reality for many kids. It’s why I’m still scared of teachers to this day.

Many were sadists.

I’m currently parenting 10 and 5 year old daughters respectively and both are angry 50% of the time. The equation is something like this:

1 x 50 year old woman + 1 x 10 year old girl + 1 x 5 year old girl = 100% rage most of the time.

The girls haven’t found any positive way to channel these feelings apart from beating one another up. They start at 7am. They finish at 7pm. They stop when they’re at school and resume when they get home. I am trying to teach them that anger is something they need to be comfortable with. On a good day I say things like - ‘It’s good to feel angry but just remember not to hurt your sister and try and pick up those keys that you threw across the dinner table because it’s making me angry too.’

On bad days I just make a noise like a bear who has woken up out of hibernation, only to have a large jug of boiling water tipped over its head.

RAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOO!

There have been times when I have felt so angry that I have felt like I might keel over. At times like this I have to hold onto a chair and then I find myself visualising an ambulance turning up, and my daughter saying - ‘She got so angry that she fell straight over and stopped moving. She was gurgling. I threw some keys you see and wouldn’t pick them up again.’ I sometimes worry my children will film me and put it on the internet. If they do then it will be the most shared video of all time (even more than the one of the bear coming out of hibernation with his hair standing up which is usually used as a meme to bring to life the realities of Monday mornings).

One of the key symptoms of menopause is anger. A recent study demonstrated that up to 70% of women report feeling irritable during menopause. Also being on the planet and observing the unfairness of so many situations and the sexism that’s rife (still) is cause for anger too. Another equation:

Anger that is due to being on planet for a long time = 30% of total anger quota.

Anger that is more about being very tired = 25% total anger quota.

Anger that is menopausal hormones = 20% maybe.

Now I can’t add up those numbers but if there is any number left then it’s two kids fighting for 12 hours straight.

This anger, the anger I’ve been experiencing lately, is especially hard to navigate at work. It is tempting to scream YOU JACKASS! when someone says something really annoying, but instead we have to keep it zipped up. We have to grin in the kind of way that a serial killer grins before they give you a lethal injection and fold you up into the fridge freezer for police to find. Bye! We also react differently to angry women. We watch as their mouths tremble, how they struggle to get their sentences out, we see them become incoherent, and we recoil. Or we laugh.

We don’t much like male anger but I feel like men have become better at masking their emotions (because they’ve been schooled in this), and so if they’re angry it can be hard to tell. They can do a good poker face. This gives them an advantage in that they can be furious, but not call someone a JACKASS on Zoom. They can get through the meeting, make a sarcastic comment, get on their Peleton bike, and listen to Bruce Springsteen. Or maybe System of a Down if they’re middle aged.

Anger in women is funny. Or ridiculous. Or funny and ridiculous.

I remember seeing a female boss get angry in a meeting and we all laughed like drains. We parodied her for ages (we were idiots), and the way her voice shook and the emotion taking over, and the way she waggled her fingers in the air like a conductor nobody was listening to. I feel sympathy now as I realise she was probably menopausal, had kids that were getting on her nerves, and had been on the planet long enough that it had pissed her off in many ways.

At the moment I am going through an angry patch. In the past I would turn the anger inside and target myself - lots of narratives about how I wasn’t good enough. Now I’m improving and telling myself better narratives, but the anger comes out of nowhere anyway. It might be an individual. It might be something small. It might be a member of my family. It might be the way someone breathes after they swallow a sandwich. It is definitely a toilet left with toilet paper hanging out one side. It is also bits of bolognese stuck to the floor. And a cat that pees on my jumper that I want to wear that day. The anger in these moments is not funny. I don’t feel like I’m in a rom com starring Melissa McCarthy. The work anger is bad as it’s often unexpressed. It just sits there stewing with nowhere to go.

The thing is (and this is where it’s not entirely fair) I tend to get angry with the people that don’t deserve it. Strangers. Mums on Whats App. Someone who has their headphones up too loud on the tube. It’s not pleasant. I feel like anger needs to be put under the microscope because it’s usually pointing towards something valuable. Sometimes it’s as simple as THIS IS A JACKASS right here guys- can you see it too?Other times it’s a need for more sleep. Or it could be something that builds up through a variety of tiny but significant injustices.

Here’s a few things that help me:

Write down that anger and see if it’s actually valid especially if it’s a specific person

If it’s an individual at work then you need to sit for a moment (when you’ve calmed down) and collect your thoughts. I like to do an exercise where I write down what I believe to be true about them, and then draw out evidence to support my statement and evidence that contradicts it. So you could write ‘Person is a butt munch misogynist’ and then try and write down what experiences you’ve had that agree with that, and which don’t. I often find (even if I just do this in my head) that the actual evidence that the person is a butt munch misogynist is not sufficient enough. The jury is still out. They are deliberating and will come to a conclusion in a few weeks. More evidence will need to be collected in the meantime perhaps.

Nonetheless if you have to work with this person then limit your time with them. If the things they do impact on getting your work done efficiently, talk to your boss. Try and steer clear of insults (even if they look like a jacket potato on Teams) and instead go back to your evidence.

Run listening to aggressive music

Use physical activity and music to get anger out. I run every morning. I would argue that it makes me fitter but it also makes me less angry. I listen to very angry music whilst I’m running. Sometimes the person that has peeved me off is in my mind and I imagine that I’m racing them, and we are neck and neck and then I pummel them from behind and they fall over and I do a victory dance. I know this is not very mature. It works though. It is also less damaging than inflicting real violence.

Get revenge through literature/art

Write them into a book. I think this is a great way to get your anger out. Change their name and obviously don’t make them too recognisable. I actually had someone contact me about one of my books and they didn’t know the character that I’d made the monster was them. They thought it was someone else. This confirmed how big their ego was and how little self awareness they had. I wrote that down for my next book.

Take up vaping

Vape - this isn’t a healthy thing to do but I have temporarily started doing it some evenings when rage is bad. I imagine that I’m in Alcatraz prison and whispering to my prison mate, and it’s 1955 maybe. We’re wearing white vests and plotting our escape. We have just finished a meal of bread pudding with flies, and have got matching tattoos of one another on our forearms. We are actually in love but first up we’re finishing this sour grape and lime vape, and discussing how much we hate the warden. We both agree he is a jackass.

Are you just really tired?

Reflect on why you are feeling angry. For me this is often tiredness. It is also overwhelm. And the hormones too of course. So it’s a clue that I need to slow down and stop trying to be so productive. If you regularly feel angry at work then it might be something bigger- like you need to think about your long term goals- are you actually happy? Do you hate everyone? If you find everyone annoying then it’s a big red flag and signal that you are probably in the wrong role with the wrong people.

The burn book on WhatsApp or ‘Burn App’

Keep a WhatsApp chat which is like the ‘burn book’ in Mean Girls (where the girls wrote all the mean things about fellow pupils). Only invite a couple of your closest friends. Type insulting, mean and dramatic things in there. Have an understanding that these aren’t shared with anyone else. You can even supplement the coarseness of the insults with memes. I only use initials in mine. It is particularly good if the situation/person is really causing you grief, and you’re finding it oppressive because you can’t shout at them. I think every good Whats App should have this function but just make sure that it’s not YOUR SCHOOL ONE. And make sure the person who is making you angry isn’t on the group.

A hot bath

I feel like women are persuaded to take a lot of hot baths. This is the only thing we are really allowed. We do a lot of stuff like all the domestic chores (or maybe it’s like 75% in some homes) and our reward for working, parenting, and striving is a hot bath. Fuck that! But actually the hot bath works. It is like the anger just disappears into the water. If you want to keep angry then avoid the hot bath because it literally dissolves those feelings.

If you are still angry then something more is going on. Do some more equations in your head. It will pass. If it doesn’t pass then you really need to change something up. I see you. I salute you. I am angry too. Watch my mouth trembling right now.