January is the longest month...

Or how it's hard to keep going but brighter days will come

There may be some of you thinking - but will brighter days actually come? This week has felt alarming in so many ways, and January is one of the hardest months. It was only fairly recently that I put two and two together and realised it was the month when my stepmum and sister both died. That might sound weird but that’s how we like to roll with burying death under the carpet sometimes. So it’s got that bleak trauma feeling about it for me. If it was a person it would be a dentist about to perform root canal with zero sense of empathy. The one who you crack a joke to and then don’t even smile, making the whole experience ten times worse.

Then just the rest of the population and the weather and the news. It’s hard. Depressing. Nobody has any money. Cold. Grey. The sun hasn’t shown its face in a while. I set off the first week back full of optimism, but sometimes find that as it gets towards the end of the week and my anxiety has ramped up. On paper everything is going well, but I worked in an agency for so many years that the financial side of being a freelancer still hits hard. I am used to not thinking about finances and now all I think about is finances.

When it’s good you fear that it will go bad. When it’s bad, well your instinct is to jump back into employment (if you can). I’m doing certain things to keep my pecker up so running every morning. Reaching out to people and not (hopefully) coming across as too needy, but also not being around people who are going to drag me right down. Yes it’s going well. Yes sure hit me up soon! Great.

I didn’t like this stinky kitten that we have but now he’s good company. He always wants to be close and follows me around. That’s the other thing about freelancing - you spend an awful lot of time on your own. And so a small cat (even one that smells bad) is a welcome source of company. I hang up from calls and talk to him.

‘Looks like things are slowing down perhaps,’ I say and he looks back at me with those simpleton eyes, ‘As long as you can still get me that Felix Kitten food then I honestly don’t give a shit,’ he replies quietly. ‘But what if everything fails?’ I ask, making a mental note to take him to the vet soon as he needs to be neutered and perhaps then he will be able to go outside and I can stop having to empty the litter tray seven times a day (there is nothing glamorous about freelancing either). ‘Girl you were going on about feeling worried a year ago and look at you now!’ the kitten replies, sounding not dissimilar to the donkey in Shrek, ‘You got a column. You have a manager. You are writing stuff all over the place!’ And then I am back on top again and I realise that he’s just talking me up so I will forget about the fact that he peed on the sofa and the smell won’t come out no matter how much Febreezing. In January it is about the small things. There are of course terrible things happening. The news is awful and it will always be that way. You can choose to really overdose on how bad it is right now or you can talk to your cat. The talking to the cat doesn’t mean I’m not interested in what’s going on, but it’s just that I need to build my resilience and watching news clips tend to set me back and make me feel less robust.

Freelancing is a bit like being an athlete but for me it’s sedentary. It’s about managing my state of mind. If I wake up and tell myself that it’s slow and that my life is a disaster or it’s heading towards one, well how will I be able to keep on pitching and being joyful and thinking things are possible? I have to believe in the impossible and challenge the negative thoughts creeping in.

‘Get me more Felix,’ the cat says as I head out the door to pick up the kids.

I avoid questions from other parents as I know the minute I sound uncertain they’re liable to confirm that I’ve made the wrong decisions in life. I walk out and there’s a tiny, very tiny glimmer of sun popping through the clouds. I think about what the cat has just said to me. I wonder if anyone will believe he can actually talk. I miss that cat already, I think as I edge towards the school gates, my head down until January is over and February brings what it will bring.