How to avoid catastrophising when you work for yourself

Or how waiting for things to happen can make you spiral

I am still getting used to this new life of not being in an office. I love the lack of meetings. The fact that I don’t get dumped on by fellow colleagues with jobs that nobody else fancies doing. I love the fact I’m autonomous, and if I choose to write for three hours straight then that’s okay or equally if I put it off and double down at the last minute that’s okay too. Ironically, what I don’t like are also these things. The fact that I am not in an office. That I don’t have meetings. That I don’t have conversations with colleagues. I’m isolated. And that left unchecked by humans I have a tendency to spiral (I say humans because I am surrounded by cats most days). Also the autonomous aspect which makes it feel like maybe I’m not doing things right because I’m the one doing quality control and setting the boundaries.

Mondays are particularly bad as I’m learning that they (sometimes) feel quiet. Today is a good example. So I have sent off pitches for features, but not heard back right away. This is normal as people are working and are receiving other pitches, and are doing other things (LIKE LIVING THEIR LIVES) that are not centred around my work or my potential work. I like to be busy and not have too much time to think and worry- not INCREDIBLY BUSY but ticking over, and I’ve been institutionalised by working in agencies. The agencies had heavy work loads and so I have got used to carrying a lot of work each day.

So even now I am working for myself, I tend to drop the kids at school and then I sit down to ‘work’ and when I hear nothing back (my phone rang just now but it was a scammer and I was disappointed of course) well I SPIRAL. HAVE I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE? HOW WILL I MAKE THIS WORK? WHAT IF THERE IS SILENCE FOREVER? And the problem is that when you have those feelings they don’t make you feel creative. In fact they suck all that creativity up like a sad old sponge. The ideas don’t flow when you’re scared. You start picking around on the floor for crumbs and they are not good quality crumbs that anybody would want to actually eat. Not inspiring. They are instead the crumbs of desperation coming from someone spiralling about their new life.

What can I talk about next? IS THERE AN ANGLE ABOUT CATS THAT I COULD TALK ABOUT? WHAT ABOUT A TRIP TO THE VETS? IS THAT EVEN INTERESTING?

These of course are the moments when you need to step away from the laptop, and do something different so you can rest your brain and think up some new ideas that are fresh and original. Then you start to sabotage yourself a look at your old life. Why don’t I just see what some of my old colleagues are up to right now? I always vow not to visit Linkedin (which is just about the worst place in the world to hang out on quiet work days as everyone puffs up their feathers and parades in front of one another with their new job titles and ‘exciting news updates’). Instead I’ll need to prioritise going outside, and maybe start to pick through the garden which looks like a sad and frozen desert and needs TLC. I will remind myself that there will always be busy and not so busy days. That I don’t have to worry just yet about making this work. It’s not an emergency today. On the outside many seem to think that I’ve ‘made it’ but I want to be honest and say that every week I have at least one day where I crash mentally and want to turn back to the route I just came off. It’s normal. I know this direction is the right one for my mental health but that doesn’t mean that I love the insecurity of it. We yearn for safety and familiarity. This discomfort is normal. The panic too. I can’t find an interesting angle to write about that’s related to the cat. I am empty of ideas today and tomorrow will be different. If it’s not different in a month then I will think again about what I will do.

These words come from another part of me. The part that isn’t scared and believes that I can create a life I want rather than one I thought I was supposed to have.

If you are feeling drained and depleted right now. If you are waiting for things to change or not enjoying the shifting and the change. If you’re lonely. Well I think we will be okay. I think we will. I do.