Happy new year and don't worry if your NYE was crap
HELLO to new subscribers and old ones too and here's to a great 2025
I know you’ve probably already absorbed a lot of ‘New Year content,’ already. The diets. The new habits you’re supposed to work on. Being more productive. Or shedding toxic friends. I didn’t have a great NYE to be honest. I don’t really like it anyway. Too much pressure and the tendency to compare your experience to others.
We went as a family to a small self catering in Dorset. I really enjoyed the daytime (blustery walks and a delicious pub lunch), but for some reason decided to drink booze in the evening. I’ve done this about three times this year despite being sober for over four years (I guess I’m not LEGIT sober if I’m drinking now and then, but you get my drift, I don’t drink much at all anymore).
The owner of the house had left a bottle of prosecco as a welcome gift, and I poured myself a large glass. Instead of making me feel bubbly and full of fun, it immediately made me sink into a pit of self loathing. I don’t like the feeling of being drunk (and because I don’t drink I am drunk very quickly). I felt sad. Tired. Unattractive. I felt washed up. I vaped compulsively on the balcony which had a view of the high street. I ended up in bed at 9.30pm. The people over the road in a chaotic bar were having a noisy party and I couldn’t sleep. My partner slept like a baby (I think he could sleep in any circumstance), and I pulled back the curtain, and watched a man dressed in an inflatable dinosaur costume dancing around outside. A couple of girls smoking. One of them had a skirt that was so short that her knickers were poking out the bottom. People looked like they were having SO MUCH FUN. I already had a headache and sat in my sorry looking pyjama bottoms and vest staring. I then went on my phone only to see lots of people having parties at home, lots of people away on holiday, lots of people in nice, enormous houses hosting get togethers. I felt my self esteem evaporating. Why had I drunk? Why? And why was I in bed? And why was I so old? And why were the people outside so young? And why had I never enjoyed those days of being young?And why hadn’t I really grabbed the bull by the horns? Why had I never been one of those joyous people who just seized the day? Why was I always on the outside looking in? Why had I never kissed a man dressed as a dinosaur? I eventually fell asleep at two (after watching people embrace one another outside and shrieking with joy) and seeing a few pathetic fireworks shoot into the night sky.
The world was ending. I was fat and old. I was sad.
I woke with a bit of a headache, but took myself off for a run along the sea front. I breathed in the sea air. I could feel the anxiety and self loathing disappear. There were a few people braving a swim in the freezing cold sea. These seemed to be chiefly women my age. This is the miracle of exercise. It’s hard to hold onto shit feelings and run. Or swim. You might do it for the first few minutes - I’m not fit. I’m crap etc. but then you just surrender to the experience. I listened to my favourite running playlist which is Beastie Boys, De La Soul, Wu Tang Clan, and a few dance tunes from the noughties. I felt alive. A sad song came on (LCD Soundsystem and ‘Someone Great’) and I thought about my dad and how much I missed him. I always see him on that very last day that he died and feel that sensation of being entirely alone. So the feeling went from excitement and relief to shit again. Then I remembered that I loved him, that I would always love him and that he only wanted me to be happy. And the feelings changed again.
I realised that this is the way with feelings- that the night can feel overwhelming especially on a night like NYE, when you can’t sleep, that alcohol has always reacted in this way with my biology, in a negative way, and that I don’t need to dip my toe in that particular water anymore. That I need to seek my solace elsewhere because that door is closed. It’s time to move on. I also need to knock the vaping on the head as it’s sad to take up a bad habit when you haven’t smoked in years. It is not cool. I am not Kate Moss. Vaping does not look cool in the same way that smoking did back in the day. It just looks like you’re sucking on a giant remote control. Like a gormless fool. I am sure there are some people who can make it look good but I’m not one.
It’s also okay to have doubts and FOMO when you’re staying in, but it’s also worth remembering that I’ve always been an old soul in a young body (not now but when I was young). I never enjoyed going out because I didn’t like the feeling of being out of control. I didn’t like the feeling that drugs gave me- the sense that I was in another universe and completely untethered. I like to have a plan. I like structure. I like to have a hot cup of tea and a biscuit. This is boring but also reassuring when the world is chaotic and frightening.
I can have a bad NYE and know it is not a bad life. I can understand that feelings can be contradictory. The desire to be at the heart of things, and the desire to be on your own. I think I have always felt this tension. I will never kiss a man dressed as a dinosaur.
And to all you new subscribers - welcome. I intend to publish one free post, and one paid per week. If you can afford to become a paid subscriber than please give it a whirl. If you can’t then no worries. If you have become a paid subscriber then thank you- you are supporting a writer who is navigating many things right now, and trying to articulate them as best she can. A writer who hopes her writing touches others and makes them feel less alone.
And if you had a bit of a shit NYE… don’t worry. It doesn’t mean anything. It feels important but it isn’t. The bad feelings will pass.