Do more- that's the key message

If you want to have a great relationship

I spend a lot of time talking to women. At kids’ parties. In the park. Outside the school gates. The theme is always the same. They are doing too much. They are drained and tired. Resentful too. ‘I stayed up till 2 in the morning to get everything ready for this party,’ one mum told me today. ‘It was the only time I had when the kids were in bed and not pestering me all the time.’ Another told me that she shouts voice notes into her phone so she can capture the ‘to- do-list-brain-junk’ that occupies 80% of her brain. ‘I know that once I’ve recorded the voice note I can stop thinking about it.’ Another mum tells me she spent 12 hours ‘spring cleaning.’ ‘I don’t think you’d notice if you came round to our house, but at least I feel better.’ I don’t want to be too sexist here but what is it that men talk about? Do they talk about how much they’re doing? Or do they talk about hobbies? Or do they talk about politics? Or sex? The conversation at one party, with this group of mums, naturally morphed into partners and what they bring to the table. For each woman there seemed to be one single activity that their partner was great at. ‘He’s a good cook,’ one said, ‘I mean there’s a lot of mess afterwards but I’m lucky he cooks.’ A couple of women sighed. ‘Mine is good at hoovering,’ another added. These were just single tasks. I thought about the luxury of being good at one thing at home. And then only being expected to do one thing. So I wouldn’t be expected to do anything else. I thought about how my partner would rave about me to his friends because I did one domestic task really well. I thought about what my one task would be. As soon as I get up I tend to be doing 10 things simultaneously. This morning I made a coffee, put stuff in the recycling, wiped the floor, emptied the dishwasher, fed the cats, emptied the litter tray and that was all within the first 5 minutes of being downstairs. What would it feel like to make a meal and not tidy up at all? Or to just hoover and not pick up all the toys beforehand and put the clothes away in the drawers and pull all the hair from the bathroom plug?