Chapter one: The reunion

Or how to explode your life in small and significant ways

I remembered that feeling sometimes. The loud music booming in my ears. The bliss of my brain being switched off so I wasn’t thinking about how awkward a dancer I was anymore. Before the never-ending cycle of school terms, uniforms, washing, tidying, playdates, activities, and work. I found it hard to access the person I’d been all that time ago. Who was I even now? I was a vessel that did things, many different and varied things but it was possible to believe that one day I’d be replaced by AI. I was a domestic and work robot. A task master and nothing more.

‘Is it seriously 30 years?’ Mariska asked, sounding incredulous

‘YES! And you’re literally the only one I’ve kept in touch with- apart from the occasional comments on one anothers’ socials. I haven’t even been back to Amsterdam..I did once but it felt weird, because I was with Josh, and I didn’t feel comfortable telling him about the things we got up to.’

‘Thing are different now right?’ she replied, ‘Like we’re married or divorced and there’s kids to consider. I mean I’ve just got the dogs but they’re work enough for me sometimes. Lottie she’s getting old now too,’ a pause where I imagined her rubbing her dog’s head, ‘Do you think everyone will be up for it?’

I stopped to consider the practical aspects. Usually I was someone who only considered these things. If you asked me go anywhere different to my routine (which involved getting up, getting the girls ready, getting myself ready, doing the school run, setting my laptop up for work blah blah), I’d always flag that the weather wasn’t going to be nice. Or that I was tired. Or it was too pricey. I kept seeing adverts for women my age and they were running down beaches, their grey hair billowing in the wind- they were either on cruises or sitting in coffee shops smiling inanely at passersby. There seemed to be a massive discrepancy between these women and the life I was living right now.

The problem was that I liked planning to do things in the future, I liked the concept but then I’d always cancel. Cancelling gave you the feel good of breaking out of a routine without having to actually do the thing.

‘Well you’re welcome to stay here. I have plenty of space. So who’s going to look after the kids?’ Mariska said.

I pictured her. She’d be lying on the bed, her long, tanned skinny legs stretched out, wearing long sports socks, pulled up to her shins, (she never felt too warm, even when we’d been performing on stage all those years ago). The dogs would be resting on these legs. I knew this from seeing her on Instagram. She was constantly sharing selfies of her with the dogs. She’d never wanted kids and I didn’t think this was something she said to shut people up either. She had always meant it.

Josh would look after them. He wouldn’t resish the idea, no actually he would relish it as he loved spending time with them. It would only be a couple of days, and I had them the majority of the time anyway. It would be fun I would see the whole gang again (even Marc. It looked from FB as if he had a new girlfriend but I wasn’t sure. He’d never settled or had kids either).

‘I’m feeling flutters in my stomach just thinking about it. It’s ridiculous. 50 years old and feeling this way,’ Mariska said laughing, ‘I think it’s just that I can barely remember those days, sometimes when I’m walking past the Paradiso or another one of our haunts, something will just pop into my brain.’

‘Look it’s a cliche but if we don’t do it now, when when will? I’ve thought about a retreat or going away on my own but I don’t want to be around a bunch of people I don’t know. I’m not going to do any drugs- or get off with anyone! I’m a middle aged woman for Christ’s sake but imagine seeing Otis again, imagine him and Ashley. Are they actually still together?’ I said.

Otis had been the one I had always been drawn to. He had never reciprocated any feelings for me. Aside for one time when he’d bitten me very hard on my arm. So hard in fact that he’d drawn blood. I’d been too stoned at the time to respond. It had been a bad night, I’d ended up falling down some stairs trying to find the toilets and ripping my tights. Why did I want to revisit these days? What would we even talk about? See I was already trying to cancel!

‘ Didn’t you see on FB?’ Mariska said, ‘Otis had a fling with his assistant. They’re sharing custody of the kids now. I think it’s been a good thing for Ashley because she’s been sharing lots of images of herself running. I think she even did a half marathon a couple of weeks ago.’

I scrolled down my phone quickly. I hadn’t been following Ashley but I’d not seen any posts of Otis and his new partner either. It was weird how you patchwork peoples’ lives together from their social media and got things wrong. I hung up. This was possibly the most ridiculous thing to do. I saw my protruding tummy. I was three stone heavier. I would not be gracing any dance floors but it could be fun? Fun to do something that wasn’t about duty or obligation and was just purely for enjoyment. I NEVER did anything like that.

Josh had sent me a text.

They ate cauliflower cheese. Couldn’t find Brownie bag or hoodie. You must have lost it somewhere.

How had I lost it when I wasn’t the one who took them to Brownies? Why was it my fault? There was no kiss either. We’d always finished with a kiss or smiley emoji. Now those had gone. Along with long silences, looking at our phones in bed side by side, and barely saying 10 words to one another each day (unless it was to pass on information about the children).

I typed a text back.

Will you have the kids for a long weekend end of June? It’s not your normal weekend :)

A little emoji for old times sake.