I looked back at the way I had been working the past few years and noticed a familiar pattern.
I have a tendency to go into an agency/company.
The first few months are good. I am sort of in that honeymoon phase. I like the people (or tell myself I do). I get my head down. I produce good work. Then I find frustrations emerge. There are maybe 1-2 individuals who seem to hold everyone up. Or are not held accountable. Or just waste time. Or are patronising. Or make meetings painful. Or they are just bullies.
It could be a whole gamut of things but I start to fall out of love with the job.
Sometimes it’s because it’s an actual boss who behaves badly. Sometimes a colleague. Sometimes just the culture and the fact that nobody is thinking about the impact certain things have on the broader team (like calling meetings at lunch each day or making people go through painful processes that eat up all of their energy).
Most recently I was made redundant (alongside others), and that called quits on the agency role. I felt bad. Sad. Rejected.
But not for long. I quickly realised that with each day I was getting stronger. I was regaining my identity. I was feeling like my life was mine and I was no longer beholden to someone else. I got a couple of freelance projects. I was praised for these. I did good work.
I didn’t have to sit in meetings with people I didn't like. I didn’t have to watch them vape. Or use words they didn’t understand but thought sounded impressive. I didn’t have to pretend or put on the mask we all put on at work (or I did but it was temporary and not for extended periods of time).
At the same time my brain started to fizz with new ideas. New ideas for comedy. For social media. For books. For businesses. It was like my brain was actually waking up.
‘I like this energy you’re bringing,’ my therapist said recently (I know it sounds wanky but I see a therapist once every 2 weeks since I lost my dad and a whole heap of toxic crap came up for me).
‘Do you think I’m changing?’ I asked.
‘You seem more energised. Less drained.’
‘I am scared though,’ I said, ‘I worry all the time about the future and money and how I’m going to make it all work.’
She nodded and we talked about fear for a while.
How fear is natural when we do new things.
How we can feel fear and excitement at the same time.
How there are different kinds of fear.
So there is the fear when you are stuck in a job that you hate and you feel like you’ll always be stuck. Or the fear that you don’t have a regular job and will need to keep hustling for work. They are both fears and for some the second one is less palatable than the first.
An important thing she talked about was not talking to people who make you feel even more fearful. This was useful as I’d found that mentioning my freelance, new life to others, people who were in regular jobs, wasn’t helpful. In the park I’d mentioned it to another mum and she’d immediately told me how frightening she would find it, how she had to have a regular job, how she needed security, how it was reckless perhaps to go out on your own. This left me feeling drained. And demotivated. I then realised that this was her fear not mine. I mean I have that fear, the fear of not having money, but thinking about it doesn't help me right now. What does help is trying new things. Reaching out to people. Staying open minded. Oh and also not projecting too far into the future. This week and next week is okay. Maybe end of next month I will have to reconsider.
I know for certainty however that the pattern was trying to show me something. It was telling me that I needed to try and work on my own. To develop whatever it is that I’m developing right now.
I often found fault with my team mates but now wonder whether it was actually me that was in the wrong. I was feeling frustrated at my situation so was projecting that energy onto others. But yes some were just arseholes too. I see the way I was back then and I see this horse that is trying to be tethered. Restricted. The reins are too tight and it’s pulling to get free.
Now the horse is out. It’s not wild exactly but it’s sort of sniffing about, the way that horses do. It’s found some dandelions to chew. It’s got some sun on its back. It isn't mad keen to be tethered. It kind of hated the feel of those reins, cutting into its face and the way the hard knee was pressed into the torso so it couldn’t breathe.
It likes the feeling of being untethered and the gentle breeze as it walks.
My husband and I are both freelance. Imagine that energy when clients haven’t paid their invoices on time 😵💫 But it’s brilliant and freeing. We make our own schedules, ferry our three kids back and forth to things (mostly) without having to worry about missing meetings or asking for time off, we can go for longer holidays because we can work from anywhere.. It isn’t for everyone and we are lucky that we are reasonably financially stable but I have to say, the easy option is to get a job. This is a hard option but ultimately the most empowering. (Though rejection does come with it so you just have to learn to ride the waves..). I wish you every luck and success!