Recently it’s felt like I’ve been making headway towards the things I’ve always dreamt about. I have a management agency. I have a business idea I’m working on. I’m writing a comedy. I have some freelance work lined up tentatively. I am gaining more followers on social media and experimenting with my stupid comedy characters.
Never has the inner critic been so loud.
I’m experienced enough to know that this voice isn’t always to be believed but nonetheless it’s exhausting having to listen.
You’re too old.
You’ve no talent.
You’ll never achieve anything.
ABANDON SHIP!
It kicks off at around six in the morning when I open my eyes and pipes down a little during the day (especially if I’m busy) but then starts screeching in my ear again around bedtime. All of my focus is on trying to drown it out. Historically this would have been a glass of wine in the evening. Now that crutch has been removed it’s through arguing with this voice.
Thanks but I’m okay. I know you’re giving me a tough time because you want me to play small.
I knew this time would be scary. This is the time I always run back into an agency role.
This is the time when I’d usually choose the comfy option but I’m not doing it anymore.
That kind of thing.
This period of inner critic shitsville has also kicked off in a period where my hormones seem to be all over the place. A couple of years ago I had rages every day (particularly in the morning) and suspect it was perimenopause. Now these rages have come back. A small trigger (usually an older daughter who is remarkably sassy for her age) and instead of replying logically and in a nice calm orderly manner I am OFF!
Yesterday I had a full blown rant so bad that I had to apologise. The rant, the words issuing from my mouth were mostly the words of my inner critic, but were targeted at my daughter. I apologised. I have talked to her about menopause and told her that I’m finding this time challenging. I beat myself up for doing it. I then added a new phrase to the list- ‘I am a terrible mother.’
In contrast I also have periods where I am on a creative high. Possibly feeling the most abundance and good vibes that I’ve felt for a very long time. I love the freedom of social media, and the fact that I’m writing something with another human, and it’s taking shape. There are so many reasons to be hopeful! But I’m also aware that things have gone a bit sour before, maybe not even gone sour but just sort of fizzled out. I know that I have put a lot of eggs into one basket because I don’t have a regular job and also know that if I get a regular job, then all my creativity will stop because I don’t have enough time to devote to both (and being a mum/keeping relatively fit/having friends etc.)
Yesterday I had a business meeting and I found myself voicing some of my own insecurities on the call. I then beat myself up about it. I want to feel positive, like good things are coming but am also so full of fear.
What if it doesn’t work out? What if?
Will I have to go back to trying to find a regular job and if so who the heck will hire me? I wander round the garden and think about ways to generate money if nothing works out. I then try and manifest, casting aside the negative thoughts and only thinking of the positives. The inner critic will not shut up. It screams and screams. STOP THIS! GET A REGULAR JOB! YOU ARE BEING RIDICULOUS RIGHT NOW WITH YOUR DREAMS OF A DIFFERENT LIFE!
On the call yesterday one of the attendees said I was brave- ‘I rarely see people who actually just go and do things. I see people who talk about doing stuff but then make up excuses.’
I feel good for a bit and then worry that the reason others don’t do it is because it’s high risk. There is too much at stake. What am I doing?
I want it to work so bad. I want a creative life free from fear.
I stare at the trampoline and visualise myself bounding into infinity. This last hurrah. This final go at making it work and it feels gnarly and difficult and so so hard.
I am no longer on cruise control. Everything is up in the air. It is wonderful but also incredibly frightening.